#12 Parental alienation
Interfering with symbolic communication, withdrawal of love and telling the child the targeted parent is dangerous 4-6/17
Image of my son and I adjusted to protect his identity.
This photo captures the trust and uncertainty my son had in social settings. He was 10.
“Right now, I feel like a bird, caged without a key. Everyone comes to stare at me, with so much joy and revelry”. Alicia Keys
“You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul…so don’t t come back for me, who do you think you are?” Christina Perri
Interfering with symbolic communication such as gifts, photos or memories.
This can include removing photos, rejecting gifts, the alienating parent working to erase memories of the targeted parent and can involve destroying photos including the targeted parent.
The goal is to block emotional connections to the targeted parent, weakening the child’s bond and sense of belonging.
My experience was my child rejecting gifts, hiding photos of me, putting the personalised cushion of us in his wardrobe and rejecting any food or drinks whilst in my care.
My ex also promised the photo albums and pictures I’d created over the years, we would share after I left the home. He changed the locks and refused my access to all baby clothes, keepsakes, all photo albums and school photos/reports. These still remain with him and I’m unsure if he has destroyed any of these.
Withdrawal of love
A child who previously showed love and affection may withdraw their love and reject the targeted parent. They will also lack any empathy or compassion towards the parent, which in my case, completely contradicted his previous interactions.
My experience; this was one of the heartbreaking signs of my alienated child. My son and I were always affectionate but he began to shy away from any recognition of love or care towards me (early alienation sign that escalated). He wouldn’t sit in the front seat of the car, wouldn’t sit at the table with me, refused hugs, didn’t respond to “I love you” and much more.
This behaviour was enhanced in front of his dad, sometimes checking if his dad was looking.
Whilst you cannot force love or affection, if this contradicts previous behaviour this is another early sign that cannot be missed or overlooked.
Telling the child the targeted parent is dangerous
This is highly distressing and one of the key elements designed to inflict intense distress and pain to the targeted parent.
The goal is to create fear causing the child to question safety and trust with the targeted parent. This framing, manipulation and programming is designed to weaken the relationship and cause anxiety and/or distress during visits, time spending and any interactions. The other agenda is to enhance legal court hearings causing a loving, dedicated parent to defend themselves. Thankfully, if these are fabricated, this comes to light, which happened in my case.
*Please note; children may claim they feel unsafe with the targeted parent but cannot articulate why. (my situation)
This should not be confused with the distress and anxiety a child has around a parent after being exposed to any form of abuse*
My experience; this was very difficult. My son’s dad was telling him, “you’re safe with me now” or “you’re safe at home”. This gradually programmed my son to believe he was ONLY safe with his dad. His dad refused to share the bike between houses so I bought a second hand one off his best friend. His dad told him the bike wasn’t safe and putting his life at risk. My son then claimed I didn’t care about whether he died in an accident.
Personal notes: I felt like I was, and still am, living without half my heart. Sometimes, I could keep going…. other times I would cry for many hours, sometimes the tears just kept rolling. I actually wondered could I die from a broken heart? No, because I’m still here.
Please seek support during these times. If you don’t have support from your circle, reach out to the services below.
Key resources:
Remember you will, one day, be reunited with your child. If the damage is beyond repair, you did YOUR BEST! If the reunification doesn’t happen, hold your head high and know this isn’t your fault or your child’s.
Live your life like your child is watching. Show them inner strength, bravery and resilience.
If you don’t hear this from anyone, be proud of yourself xx
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