alienation.blog

#9 Parental alienation checklist

A dramatic shadow scene on a light wall or ground: on the left, a female adult shadow bending down toward a small child shadow in the center, her silhouette warm and reaching; on the right, a tall male adult shadow standing upright and looming over the child. The child's shadow is small and centered between the two adult figures. The image is symbolic and emotional, high contrast black shadows on a warm neutral background, cinematic lighting, no faces visible — only shadows.

I have crafted this checklist personalised to my experience which may be able to help others.

  • Sudden rejection: did your child previously have a loving, close relationship with you but is now rejecting you for no reason?
  • Adult language: is your child using adult language far beyond their vocabulary and/or understanding?
  • Hostility: is your child suddenly hostile towards you but not the other parent?
  • Secrecy: is your child keeping secrets from you when they previously were honest and trustworthy?
  • Extended family rejection: is your child suddenly rejecting previously close relationships or contact with extended family?
  • Black and white thinking: does your child see everything you do wrong and the other parent right?
  • Removal of affection: Was your child previously affectionate but now at a distance?
  • Does your child’s behaviour change around the other parent? This can be in person but also phone calls, messages or emails from the alienating parent.
  • Independent thinker phenomenom: this last one is one of the biggest indicators and heartbreaking to witness. This is when a child claims their ideas are entirely theirs but involve hidden coercion and programming. My son pointed at his head one night saying, “this is my mind; no one is brainwashing me”. I had never used the term brainwashing, ever. This was so upsetting; my son had completely lost his own mind, ideas and thoughts. This was doing irreparable damage to his self identity.

My experience included all of these things and more. My son would no longer sit in the front seat of the car, was verbally abusive, hostile and angry with no compassion. He would change instantly, almost like a split personality, after a phone call or message from his dad. If I went to hug him at dropoffs, he would pull away looking at his dad in the car. He started using language (clearly not his) and even mentioned child support. His behaviour changed so drastically that I could barely even see any part of his former self before alienation. He would question how many hours I was working or if I had been at work; he looked down on me with dominance and superiority.

Once parental alienation begins, it’s a thought out and manipulative process used by the alienator.

Darnall’s catalogue of alienating behaviours, sometimes called the Parental Alienation Continuum.

1. Badmouthing or denigrating the targeted parent

2. Limiting contact or restricting time with the child

3. Interfering with communication between the child and targeted parent

4. Interfering with symbolic communication, such as gifts, photos or memories

5.Withdrawal of love or affection from the child

6.Telling the child the targeted parent is dangerous

7. Forcing the child to choose between parents

8. Telling the child the targeted parent does not love them

9. Confiding in the child about adult matters

10. Forcing the child to reject the targeted parent

11. Asking the child to spy on the targeted parent

12. Asking the child to keep secrets from the targeted parent

13. Referring to the targeted parent by their first name

14. Encouraging the child to call a step-parent mum or dad

15. Withholding medical, school or other vital information from the targeted parent (sometimes called gatekeeping)

16. Changing the child’s name to reduce association with the targeted parent

17. Undermining the authority of the targeted parent

In my case 14/17 were occuring with the exception of 13 ( I can’t be sure of that), 14 and 16.

This is the gravity of parental alienation, the behaviours that occur and how damaging this is to any child.

Resources:

https://stewartfamilylaw.com.au

http://www.cptsdfoundation.org-healing from parental alienation

http://www.forums.beyondblue.org.au-parental alienation syndrome

http://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.families.org.au-hope for estranged grandparents

http://www.shared parenting.org-grandparent alienation

http://www.emmm.org.au-grandparents

Please seek help when things get tough from:

https://1800respect.org.au

http://www.family relationships.org.au

http://www.wlsa.org.au

http://www.ag.gov.au

http://www.dss.gov.au

http://www.wwwa.org.au

http://www.respect.gov.au

Continue to seek support during this highly distressing time from the above resources and from trusted family and/or friends xx

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