Before alienating a child from their closest parent (or any parent), comes the lead up; the set up so this can even happen.
For me, I wasn’t interested in defending petty putdowns or demeaning comments. In fact, most occasions I gave absolutely no reaction whatsoever. It was my son, who would have been about 8 when this started, who always intervened.
His words still echo in my head “mum is not a child”. Gosh, I wish I really stepped up but I’m glad he did, and he always did. Then he stopped.
Sometimes his dad would interrogate my son “no she’s a kid, what makes you think she’s an adult”. It was those times I abruptly asked for a stop to the conversation.
After separation, we all lived in the family home for nearly 6 months.
Initially, I suggested family meals together twice a week hoping my son could see we can get along. This did not work and I don’t recommend this.
So besides the first few months that my ex still expected me to solely look after my son, we agreed to alternate dinners with our boy.
The first sign of alienation was odd. My son had always been so particular about us all having our designated seat, every night and every time, we all sat in the same spot for dinner every night.
So when my son decided (on our dinner nights) to sit in his dad’s seat this was the first sign. When I asked why he was sitting there, he said “I can sit wherever I went to”. My response “yes, you can”.
This seems insignificant but it was not because as months went on my son refused to sit at the table with me at all.
My mistakes; I should have done something earlier so my son didn’t have to hear the things he did.
My suggestions; drastic changes in behaviour are the first sign of alienation particularly if they’re treating one parent different to the other. This wasn’t teenage rebellion, it was the beginning of mimicking his dad.
Key takeaways; where possible do not remain separated under the same roof with a child.
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