I had tried everything to save our marriage and made several attempts requesting I needed space, but this time was different.
It was different because nothing he could say or do would’ve convinced me to stay. I was done with him.
The months leading up to this, saw an escalation in control which I reported to police. There were several incidents involving my son and I just could not have his dad erode away my son’s trust, hope and wellbeing; the way he did to mine.
My son was a huge factor in my decision to separate and I knew we would be ok.
Telling my husband we were finished was difficult. He started crying saying he loved me and couldn’t be without me. Were these crocodile tears? I had only seen him cry once during the entirety of our relationship. He went through stages of processing as did I. Initially, he used emotional manipulation using our son as a driving force to change my mind. He then moved onto guilt tripping with claims such as “you can be with whoever you want, look at you, what about me?” He then used emotional and psychological abuse by threatening to kill himself. His last plan when all else had failed, was to be as nasty as he could and destroy my relationships with family particularly my son.
The threats were almost daily and comments such as “you’ll be sorry” and “I’m going to leave you with nothing” happened so frequently it became normal.
In the early stages of leaving my ex, I was not supported by family. In fact, it was the opposite. News spread like gossip and I was not able to tell people in my own time. I was questioned “have you thought this through, what about your son, this will affect the rest of his life”, I didn’t all of a sudden make a rash decision with no thought about the consequences. I was well aware of the impacts. There were other comments “no marriage is perfect” and “what about your beautiful home”. I felt like I was being judged, criticised and attacked when all I needed was someone to just ask “what happened, are you ok”? It didn’t come until months later.
My happiness and my son’s was my number 1 priority. What is the point of living in a lovely house and being married if you’re miserable. I stood by my decision and just had to limit contact for some time, to allow myself time; time to process and look ahead one step at a time.
I will begin to discuss in my next blog, the gradual decline, early signs of parental alienation and its devastating effects.
My mistakes; not leaving earlier; I try not to go down that path but I still struggle with this. Another mistake was talking to a key family member who stripped away my right to tell people in my own time.
My suggestions; do not disclose your decision to leave until after it’s done. If you have close support, discuss with a trusted person during this challenging time. Don’t allow anyone to tell you about your own marriage, there are only two people in the marriage not extended family.
Key takeaways; be prepared, if you’ve experienced coercive control in your relationship, this will likely escalate significantly. Look out for early signs of parental alienation with your child. When an abuser loses control, they are on a mission to destroy your happiness and regain their control. I ended up realising my ex hated me more than he loved our only son.
Trust yourself and your thoughts. The months leading up to separation, my dreams became nightmares. Nearly exactly the same each time; me in water drowning and my husband watching me, saying nothing and doing nothing to save me. I would wake myself up yelling out for help. My subconscious knew I was drowning in my waking life. Now I didn’t expect anyone to save me, I had to save myself, and that’s exactly what I did.
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